And the answer is….?

A.  Grief

B.  SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

C.  Depression

D.  All of the above

A.  Grief

The other day, September 22, 2022, I woke up with an unexplained intense feeling of emotional heaviness. The kind where it’s hard to breathe and tears are welling up for no apparent reason. After having been doing this grief thing now for more than a decade I decided to look back on Caring Bridge to see if anything specific had happened on that date. Lo and behold, an entry for September 22, 2011 detailed the ultrasound Claire had on her breast for the newly found lump which turned out to be the return of her rhabdomyosarcoma. Basically the beginning of the end. This September discovery would lead to an October confirmation of her relapse as well as my own diagnosis of breast cancer. Good times. Funny how my body can’t seem to remember that this all happened eleven years ago, because I feel like it is happening right now. Trauma stored in our cells has no concept of time. Ugh.


I am a summer girl (well, now old lady, but you get the picture). I live for summer and can’t get enough of the long days and warm sun. We have had a lovely September, in my opinion; warmer than most. But as it must, time marches on and the arrival of fall and the cool, crisp weather and waning sun is upon us. I feel the shift in my body and my mood. I shiver when most welcome the cool air and I mourn the loss of the intense sun as it lowers in the sky. I find it difficult to acclimate to several seasons in one day, never knowing how to clothe myself in order to be comfortable. If the sun happens to shine on our back patio, I run out to greet it and soak up what I can like a cat drawn to the sun. I immediately feel my mood elevate and feel hopeful once again, until I retreat back into our cold, dark house where nothing seems to matter anymore.

C.  Depression

Ah, depression, my pal who has been faithfully with me most of my life. Sometimes showing up as Melancholy Baby, other times resembling Emo (before that was a thing), or in a more dramatic fashion as the deep dark abyss or the foreboding cloud of despair. In later years he’s taken a back seat perhaps, but never gone completely; occasionally popping up lest I forget about him. However he’s no longer afraid of happiness and they have learned how to coexist peacefully.

D.  All of the above

Always. These three are like identical triplets, trading places and tricking me into not knowing who is who. Unlike my own biological identical twins who I can readily identify, these siblings look and behave in a very similar manner and are quite enmeshed. There are times, however, when one appears on its own declaring its name loudly and clearly, but the other two are not far behind. Except, of course for SAD, who hibernates for about 2 months (3, if I’m lucky) of the year.


A.  Ride the wave.

B.  Up my vitamin D, use my SAD lamp, sit in our newly acquired hot box aka infrared sauna.

C.  Lay off the sugar, force myself to exercise and/or curl up in fetal position and watch meaningless tv.

D.  Write in my blog.

I’m pleased my muse came for a visit. It has been a long time. I don’t know how long she will stay. She can be quite shy and is good at hiding. She wants me to close by reminding us all of the wisdom of the Beatles, “Let It Be.”  Peace.


5 thoughts on “And the answer is….?

  1. Wow. After 11years your body knows. I have followed you for many years and prayed your daughter would beat this beast. I am so sorry that didn’t happen for her – and you. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts. Peace….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Jane. You are regularly in my mind; I’m grateful for this reason to reach out. B resonates for me so loudly–/swearword/ “cute” boots and “cozy” sweaters! As always, I admire you and appreciate you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Jane,
    Claire will never be forgotten. My daughter Lauren still mentions her when reminiscing about high school days. I still think about you and hope you’re doing well. Have you heard of EMDR? It’s a therapy that helps take the edge off of trauma responses. It might soften your grief. Much love!


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